fertility issues – L. M. Archer

Wasteland

A wasteland so bareen
A dry and dusty hue
Nothing has sprouted
Nothing had grew

Tears used as water
Blood to nourish
Heart providing warmth
But nothing will flourish

Will life be seen?
Will cries be heard?
Will the world come alive?
Will growth be stirred?

It matters not
The death the land bleeds
Gone is the life
The end of the seeds

Blood turns to dust
River paths run dry
Flesh gave away
To live you must die

Growth may never return
1095 days to see something bloom
Only to be gone
Taken from the world too soon

The wasteland is still barren
Gray, sad and alone
The nights and days blend
The maiden becomes the crone

Blood

Is it life or is it death?
This blood that flows through my veins
It gives life
It carries your breathe
It keeps you alive
As long as you don't loose too much
Because then you die
Once a month, I die a little
I bleed and hate myself
Twice last year, I blead for days
I lost a potential life
Blood means death
It means loss and heartache
I ask myself
Why can't I bleed in my more constructive manner?
Why can't I bleed in a way that will allow me to truly die?
Instead, I have to live with half deaths.
Blood that kills my soul but not my body.
It makes me loose my heart but not its beat
Blood means both life and death
And once a month, I die.

I know these are very difficult to read. I know they can be triggering. They are dark. My poems tend to be, but I hope they resonate with someone. You are not alone.

Please follow me on my social media accounts below. I also beg you to please donate to our go fund me to start IVF treatments. Please. I want to stop hating my body. I want to stop hating myself. I want to give life. I don’t want to always be a wasteland.

Content Warning! Infertility

Dear Husband,

I had a dream last night. It wasn’t a nightmare in the traditional sense. It didn’t leave me screaming or jumping out of bed with my heart pounding in fright. It was a bad dream, though. It left me feeling sad with a sense of hopelessness and loss. I’m a logical person. I know it was a dream, but I couldn’t shake it. I spent my morning trying to hold back tears every time I thought about it.

I dreamed that you had gotten back together with your ex-wife. I was still a part of the relationship because we do have an open marriage. In my dream, she had gotten pregnant a few weeks into your renewed relationship. I overheard you both whispering about it excitedly, talking about your dreams and hopes for the baby’s future. In the dream, I laid bawling in the adjacent room, praying you couldn’t hear me. You had finally gotten everything you wanted, and I couldn’t give it to you.

I know this is a dream. I know that your ex-wife actually had her tubes tied, and you wouldn’t ever renew that relationship. It was what the dream was truly about that really bothered me. You see, I know deep down inside, you could easily go find a woman that can give you something I can’t: a biological child of your own. The problem has always been with me and my body, not you.

So… what’s stopping you from doing this? I know, I’ve asked you this before. I know I have shared this deep seated fear of mine with you, and you always say that you love me regardless. If it doesn’t happen with me, then you don’t want it to happen at all. I hear you, and it’s not that I don’t believe you. Fears are just… illogical.

I know that if the roles were reversed, I would say the same thing to you. I would feel the same way. I just don’t value myself the same way I value you. My self worth is pretty much non-existent and every time I think about infertility, it diminishes to nothing. Working on valuing myself, whether I’m able to have children or not, is up to me, not you.

I know you’re probably sick of me apologizing by now, but I feel so fucking guilty. I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want. I’m sorry my body is broken. I’m sorry your luck was so shitty, you ended up with someone who couldn’t bear you a child. I’m so fucking sorry. I hate myself, and I wouldn’t blame you if a small part of you hated me too.

It’s truly okay if you do. I am a very understanding person. I do my best to look at things from all perspectives. If one day, you decide you no longer want to be with someone who can’t give you something you want, then how can I blame you? I couldn’t blame you doing something that will make you happy. I would always love you, but I understand you have to do what you must to be happy. I may never be able to make you happy.

With all my love,

Your Worthless Wife